Terrified of new diagnoses.

[Sarah]

Hi everyone.

A few days ago my psychiatrist started to actually give me indications of what his diagnoses are--whenever I asked earlier, he said it was too soon. Now he's telling me what he thinks is going on. And it scares me.

He thinks I have Borderline. AND Bipolar. And possibly other things he hasn't specified yet, just that he thinks that's not the whole story.

I don't know if it's just coincidence, the latest tranquilizer I've been put on or if the knowledge of the diagnoses has made me focus on the symptoms, but life has been hell the last few days. I've been jumping at ANYTHING, anxiety attacks at EVERYTHING, and if I've felt sane enough to respond to questions I've been going well. I've spent my time in a dream state, zoned out, eyes out of focus, just looking at the pictures in my head and jittering. I'm trying really hard to break the chain now which is why I'm up at my computer typing.

My dreams have been terrifying. I'm not even going to specify them, beyond the fact that they almost uniformly involve sexual assault of some kind.

I don't know what to do. My partner thinks I should defer my Chinese exam, but I just want it over with. I've given up on the thesis. I know I shouldn't, but I have. Right now all I can do is focus on stopping all the overwhelming self-destructive urges in their tracks. I'm drinking like a loon, because it self-medicates. When I'm drunk, I'm too dizzy to think seriously about hurting myself.

If I didn't know I had these conditions, would it be easier? Nothing's CHANGED, except I have labels affixed to behaviours I've had for years. But somehow, that knowledge isn't comforting. My psych wants me to leave for China later so he can get my cocktail of drugs right and lessen the chance (though he hasn't said this explicitly) that I'll end up in an institution while I'm over there. That word 'cocktail' is far more unsettling when it's not applied to alcohol. Earlier this year I was trying to slowly wean off my Luvox. Now, I'm facing a possibility that I'll be taking not just anti-depressants, but mood stabilizers, tranquilizers, anti-psychotics and who knows what else for life.

I'm sorry for ranting. And rambling. But I needed to get these terrors out to people who at least recognise them for what they are. I hate coming to this forum on a downer because what I love about this place is the positive atmopshere. I don't like ruining it by opening my closet and letting all the skeletons out. But I'm at my wits' end.

Thank you for reading. I'm sorry again.

With love,
Sarah

[maureen]

Sarah, It is scary when they put labels on you...but remember a label is just a word...it is not you. I can see by your writing that you are very scared and desperate for answers. Take it one day or one hour or one minute at a time. Calm yourself so you don't get too anxious, easier said than done I know. Thank goodness you have a great partner who can help you through this. Don't worry about rambling...we all need to do it every so often.
Peace and sweet dreams to You,
Maureen

[Luvd Lioness]

I agree with Maureen that the labels are just that... they ~DON'T~ define who you are. I dated a guy who was borderline/bi-polar (not the reason why I stopped, however, we are still good friends). I would focus on trying to get your mind in the right place before going on the trip. Learning how to deal with life as it is right now is more important. I would try finding diversions that are healthy. Mixing the non-healthy diversion and the meds are actually making things worse (since I know they have the warnings on the bottles). Work with your doctors... they are there to help you. And if you don't feel that they are working that way, go looking for another. You'll find a balance in your life.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you find that balance and acceptance in your life.

[Brittney]

Feel free to rant and ramble, we are here for you. I know how a new diagnosis can through you for a loop and bring so many questions and concerns. I've recently gone through being diagnosed with a new disorder and after I found out what it was I spent all my free time worrying about it and trying to figure it out. It can take over your life if you let it.

My advice is to listen to your pshychiatrists advice, and let him/her know about how you are dealing with the situation. Coping by self medicating with alchohol is self destructive and if you are feeling like hurting yourself you need to let him know that. I'm worried about you.

HUGs
Brittney

[Grace]

I agree with what others have said. No need to apologize for ranting and rambling; if it stays inside it gets worse.

You mention your symptoms might be aggravated my your new medication. Please don't forget to bring this up with your psychiatrist with your other concerns.

Wishing you good support now and balance soon. Feel free to rant in the mean time.

[Jen Wagner]

Hi Sarah,

First off, I'm sorry you are going through this right now. It's a terrifying experience to say the least. Your anxiety and zoning is overwhelming right now, but it will get better...but you need to follow your psychiatrist's advice to get there. Once you get stablized on meds, the anxiety will ease up and the zoning will follow. It may take some time though.

One thing to remember which I've always been told is being Bipolar is no different than being diagnosed with a heart condition or Diabetes. It's a disease (for lack of a better word) of the mind, which is another organ of the body, just like the heart or pancreas. And you have to take medication for it, it's just a different kind of medication. Other people take multiple medications to manage their conditions as well--it's no different. Yes the medications seem "heavy" at first, but those feelings will lesson as your body becomes used to them.

Many people have been diagnosed, and famous ones too--Carrie Fischer, Patty Duke, Jane Pauley to name a few. It is a manageable condition. Dr. Kay Redfield-Jamison is a leading authority on Bipolar. She also has the affliction herself. I suggest that you read her book-An Unquiet Mind. You might find some comfort in it.
To get through this time, breathe deep and take heart in knowing that this forum is here as well as your loved ones who are around you right now. This is something you can get through.

As far as the chinese exam goes, you may want to take your partner's advice and defer it. It sounds like this is an important exam and exams do not go well, when you are jumping at every little thing due to anxiety.

Also, it's a good idea to lay off the alcohol right now. With the sorts of meds you're on, one drink will seem like three and mixing them is never a good idea for your body or mind. all it does is delay reality and make things worse. Plus the alcohol is probably contributing to your nightmares. You can get through this, you just need to listen to your doctors and those who love you while taking things one day at a time.

Best of luck.

[Darlene Evans]

Why are you going to China and for how long? My sister lives in China. What support and resources will you have there? Some drugs you can not get there, so I would check on that.

[Sarah]

Extreme-bulk-reply-incoming!

--

Maureen: Thank you so much. Your comment helped me get to sleep that night.


Luvd: Would you mind if I asked you some questions about your ex sometime? I've not met anyone who has both bi-polar and borderline before, apart from (potentially) myself, and I'm curious about how the two conditions interact. In the meantime, I'm proud to report that I have been working to find healthy diversions the last couple of days (walks in the park, going out for nice meals, actually making it to work) and I've eased off the gin.


Brittney: Your comment on these worries taking over your life really woke me up. It took you saying it for me to realise I hadn't thought about anything else since I heard about it. Now I'm trying to go back to thinking about being me. It's hard, but I'm getting there. Thank you so much.

Don't worry, though; I'm in good hands. Not only all of yours, but my psychiatrist is truly amazing and I am possibly the most compliant borderline patient in the history of humanity. Apparently most borderlines dodge treatment; I would show up twice a day if my psych would let me!


Grace: I have made a very big mental note to mention this to him. We're taking my medications one step at a time precisely to pinpoint this kind of issue--my family has a history of odd reactions to anti-depressants. I know I'm very lucky to have a psychiatrist who explains why I take what I take rather than just throws pills at me, and listens when I say something's wrong!


Jen: Thank you so much for your words. The stabilizing is what I'm worried about--I recognise all the symptoms and can handle them individually, but it's understanding why they happen when they happen that's important to me right now.

Yeah, it does help to think of Bipolar (or Borderline, or anything else) as just another illness. Which indeed it is. I know about Carrie Fischer--she and Stephen Fry (who is also bipolar) have long been my poster-children for mental illness, so it's (in a very odd way) nice to know I have something in common with them. I haven't read the book you mention, but I intend to just as soon as I can get my hands on a copy. I'm actually more relaxed about the bipolar because I've read a lot more about it, understand it a lot more and suspected it in myself long before my psychiatrist mentioned it. Borderline, on the other hand, came completely out of left field.

I've stopped drinking and started studying, so I'm going to make the decision tomorrow about whether or not to attempt the exam. I know I know the material, so now it just comes down to whether or not I can sit through the two hours. I know I should call it health first and defer it, but for me actually going and sitting it is a big step in saying 'I'm not going to give into this.'

Once again, thank you.


Darlene: I'm going there to study Chinese at a regional university for two years. (Mandarin is my major here in Australia, and I'm planning to enter translation work). My partner will be going with me, albeit living in a different city, but he's flying me up once a month to visit him. I've spoken to my Chinese teachers here regarding attitudes of the education system, and they've given me some tips on how explain things for maximum understanding. I'm also investigating counselling resources in Jinhua, but it's a pretty small city so it's hard to find ANY information about it online. I might be able to get counselling once a month when I'm in Beijing with my partner, but my psych has (and probably sensibly) warned me off seeing psychiatrists there. As for medication, he's being careful to prescribe me drugs I will be able to get access to.

Where does your sister live?

--

With love. To all of you,
Sarah

[Luvd Lioness]

Sarah,
I'm glad that you are finding new and healthy diversions. :)
I actually e-mailed my ex with some of the posts from here... and asking if he would be willing to be a support via e-mail (he's been in a program for peer-support). If he's agreeable, I'll send a mail through here with his e-mail address. I have been supportive of him through peaks and valleys but don't know a lot of details, so I think it would be more beneficial if he himself could speak.
Take care and keep up those walks! :)

[Darlene Evans]

She lives in Shanghai.

[Amber W]

Sarah,
Thank you so much for being so open and real with us. A diagnosis (or diagnoses) can be terrifying. I know when I was diagnosed with CRPS, it made the pain more real and far more terrifying. Did hearing the diagnosis change anything? No, but it did change something at the same time. Now, I'm dealing with depression and I recognized the symptoms as they crept up, saw it and I think subconsciously acknowledged them, but at the same time, when I actually put the words together "I have Major Depression" something changed and I flipped out. I wouldn't leave my room, I wouldn't eat. I went to class and did the bare minimum effort for assignments.

All of this is to say, I know how you feel a little bit. I've felt the confusion, anxiety, etc. that goes along with a frightening diagnosis. I wonder if we are in denial and when we hear the words spoken, it hits home, or a least a little closer to home and we realize that it is true. That is petrifying to think about taking medications for life, about the emotional implications of the diagnosis. Any disease, syndrome, etc. that is diagnosed that will affect someone for life leaves a huge impact. I would go so far as to say almost as much as a terminal illness.

Sorry this isn't very encouraging. I don't have the words to explain what I want to say. If I were with you in person, I think I'd just hug you and sit there with you. Sometimes the presence of another person, especially if they know what you are going through and have been there themselves, can make all the difference. I can't be there in person, but I can pray for you and remind you that you aren't the only one going through this. There are others. If you want, you can send me a private message, I'd love to talk!

[Samantha Tardy]

Hi Sarah. Having a doctor tell you that you have a mental illness let alone two is terrifying. I agree with the others to stop drinking. A lot of people with bipolar disorder drink and abuse drugs to self medicate. I was diagnosed a little over two years ago and I'm still coping with the medications and coming to grips that I will always have this illness. But my therapist just tells me to think of it as any other chronic illness like diabetes. Diabetics have to take their medications, its vital to them (you mentioned that you're very good about taking your medications, keep it up!) I hope you've found a good therapist because there have been studies done showing that your treatment will be much more effective when combined with talk therapy. My psychiatrist actually requires me to be in therapy. I know its so scary to be faced with the possibility of taking these medications for the rest of your life and its so overwhelming. I guess the best advice I could give you about taking ANY sort of mood stabilizer, tranquilizer or anti-psychotic is to first off ask your doctor about potential side effects and then read the package insert that comes with the drug listing the side effects, common and rare. And never be afraid to call and ask your doctor a question. They work for you, not the other way around as many doctors see it. Sorry this was long if you're still reading by now you deserve a medal. I hope you're doing better since I found this post a little late. Hugs, and send me a message if you want to talk.